Today I braved the Portland winter (wind, stinging cold rain, and gray skies) to go have lunch with a friend downtown. I drove my car down to the Lloyd Center and then took the MAX from there. I enjoyed my little jaunt out into the open world. For the past few days I have been holed up in the house looking for jobs over the 'net. I took this as an opportunity to make sure there was still a world and people outside of my house. I checked, it's still there...
Anyway, I had a nice lunch with my friend. Went to a Pita Pit and thoroughly enjoyed the whole pita. With a quick run up to her office, a hug, and a "see you tonight", I was back on the sidewalks, shrugging my shoulders to the wind that was trying to rip my scarf away from me. As I settled back onto the MAX for the return voyage, I pulled out "A Separate Peace", a book I read ages ago in high school (thank you Mr. Busching). I zoned for a bit and then replaced my bookmark as we pulled to the Lloyd stop.
This is where my story takes a sad turn. As I stepped off the MAX, a man holding a cardboard sign and seated on the low wall of the park caught my attention. He wore the same garb that is a very common sight in Portland: ragged, over-sized jacket with the hood pulled up, dark pants of un-notable texture, worn shoes, and scruffy face. I have seen many like him over the five years I have lived here, so it wasn't necessarily him that caught my attention, it was his sign. It read: "Will Take Verbal Abuse For $1". I practically stopped in my tracks. I couldn't believe this sign. I felt so sad and lonesome for this man. Had he received this kind of treatment before and now made some kind of ironic statement from it? Was he joking and making a point? I wanted to go and sit down next to him and tell him I would never abuse him like this, that he deserved far more than harsh words and unkind looks. I wanted him to know that abuse of any kind should never be reserved for anyone. I wanted to take him to get some coffee or warm food and ask him how he came to understand the world like this, a world where sharing anger and disgust would profit someone cash. It sickened me, it angered me, it tore me apart and made hot tears roll down my face.
The saddest part of my story is that I did none of this. I only walked away from him with my own thoughts, doing nothing, and sharing less. I was a coward...reeling off personal safety, lack of money and awkwardness as my excuses. The truth is that he walked with me more today than I did with him. He walked with me through my thoughts through the remaining afternoon and now tonight as I sit in my front room. I abused this man, though he might not have known it. I abused him and didn't even give him the dollar he was asking for.
I don't know this man's story. For ALL I know, he might not have been homeless, maybe one of the charlatans who prey off of people's generosity. He could have been just sitting there trying to make a point, trying to raise awareness to those who walked by. Maybe this is all a part of a nationwide movement. Who knows? If I am just a fool, willing to be sucked into a ploy, then so be it. But when I read those words it slapped me across the face. I don't know the real story behind all of it, but it made me think...
If it was real, I am sorry I didn't stop and talk. I apologize. If it's just a weird joke of some kind, point made, I heard you.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
"Dreaming of Revelry"
Right now I am a little obsessed with this song and the band it belongs to.
"in the dark of the night
i can hear you calling my name
with the hardest of hearts
i still feel full of pain
so i drink and i smoke
and i ask
if you're ever around
even though it was me
who drove us right in the ground
see, the time we shared
it was precious to me
but all the while i was dreaming of revelry"
I started to relate this to me and God. Sometimes I feel that He is calling softly, trying to see if I will listen. And I know my heart has turned hard. I never used to ignore things like this, I never used to give up and Not Care. So I distract myself and ask God to do things for me even though I'm the one that ignores Him. A very unequal and one sided relationship. The offer that He gives me is anything and everything a person would need, that opportunity to share with Him in love should always be enough. But I struggle with this because my Revelry becomes my Reverie. I create delusions and ignore what is really important.
"in the dark of the night
i can hear you calling my name
with the hardest of hearts
i still feel full of pain
so i drink and i smoke
and i ask
if you're ever around
even though it was me
who drove us right in the ground
see, the time we shared
it was precious to me
but all the while i was dreaming of revelry"
I started to relate this to me and God. Sometimes I feel that He is calling softly, trying to see if I will listen. And I know my heart has turned hard. I never used to ignore things like this, I never used to give up and Not Care. So I distract myself and ask God to do things for me even though I'm the one that ignores Him. A very unequal and one sided relationship. The offer that He gives me is anything and everything a person would need, that opportunity to share with Him in love should always be enough. But I struggle with this because my Revelry becomes my Reverie. I create delusions and ignore what is really important.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Inspiration
I'm not feeling totally inspired today. Either with this blog or with the status of my life at the moment. I list up all the things that I am not happy with at the moment and feel that moment of self pity with a twinge of loathing...I do not like where I am right now, nor pieces of the person I have allowed myself to become. The next moment I realize that my plight is not actually as bad as it seems, and I fight that internal battle of wanting to convince myself that I am a poor case of a subjected and abused life and the reality that I am a creation of my own will ("to some extent", I add). Don't forget to leave room for self doubt.
Instead of laboriously labeling all the problems in my life I try and think of what good is present. I have many blessings in my life, very significant blessings, and at the moment I am most blessed by the view out my window, and the quiet clicking of my keyboard. Let me describe this view. It's certainly not the best, I have a very clear and obnoxious view of the duplex next to my own and the asphalt driveway. But craning my neck to the left I can see the edge of the park down the street and a magnificent tree that is decked out in red leaves. I do not know the type of the tree, it's big, red and bushy with leaves, dark bark, pretty round at the top...that's about all I know. But looking straight in front out my window and I see the neighbor's "backyard". Really it's just a gravel walkway and a patch of earth about 15 square. But the maple tree at the far edge is my favorite. It still holds on to some of its green foliage, but most of the leaves have succumbed to the recent cold and turned bright red, gold and orange. It's the best blend of color. There's an old fiberglass boat that sits on the ground beneath it. The stern of the boat is filled with twigs and bits of everything that has floated by in the past few days. There are four pumpkins on the back step, tokens from the neighbor kids. Leaves on the ground, leaves floating through on the breeze, leaves being strewn by as cars buzz up and down 181st. I wonder what the trees back home by the river look like right now.
I know I have written two of the three blogs on fall now, but it's worthy of it. I suppose I did find a little inspiration in the day. Maybe it wasn't the most profound, but it made me happy.
Instead of laboriously labeling all the problems in my life I try and think of what good is present. I have many blessings in my life, very significant blessings, and at the moment I am most blessed by the view out my window, and the quiet clicking of my keyboard. Let me describe this view. It's certainly not the best, I have a very clear and obnoxious view of the duplex next to my own and the asphalt driveway. But craning my neck to the left I can see the edge of the park down the street and a magnificent tree that is decked out in red leaves. I do not know the type of the tree, it's big, red and bushy with leaves, dark bark, pretty round at the top...that's about all I know. But looking straight in front out my window and I see the neighbor's "backyard". Really it's just a gravel walkway and a patch of earth about 15 square. But the maple tree at the far edge is my favorite. It still holds on to some of its green foliage, but most of the leaves have succumbed to the recent cold and turned bright red, gold and orange. It's the best blend of color. There's an old fiberglass boat that sits on the ground beneath it. The stern of the boat is filled with twigs and bits of everything that has floated by in the past few days. There are four pumpkins on the back step, tokens from the neighbor kids. Leaves on the ground, leaves floating through on the breeze, leaves being strewn by as cars buzz up and down 181st. I wonder what the trees back home by the river look like right now.
I know I have written two of the three blogs on fall now, but it's worthy of it. I suppose I did find a little inspiration in the day. Maybe it wasn't the most profound, but it made me happy.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
"Most Beautiful Display of Nature"
I am watching the clouds move in slowly, getting ready to douse the ground with liquid. I like fall in Portland a lot. The air is cool and the crisp smell of autumn infuses your senses in preparation for something following close behind. Trees start shedding their vivid greens for vibrant gold, crimson and a pumpkin orange color that signals halloween. This is my favorite time of year. Not only do I get to layer up and dig my scarves out from the deep recesses of my closet, but I get to see my environment change around me. This is the most beautiful display of nature, the earth coming to a crescendo before dipping its head and succumbing to winter. The final peak of life before the hibernation. I wait for this with anticipation every year. And then I sulk through the snow, waiting for the rebirth in the spring.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
"It's Crazy How Life Politely Says, 'No'"
So I've been inspired (or fixated) by blogs lately, and so with that duel inspiration/fixation, I have decided to create something of my own. With no hope that anyone will ever really read this, I trudge on. . .
I graduated this past April from Cascade College with expectations that I would move into a steady job, make my student loan payments, go buy groceries every other week or so, save some cash for a plane ticket to Europe, and live a happy life with my roommates Anna and Amanda. It's crazy how life politely says, "No", and then causes you to re-evaluate.
At first, I didn't really get into the type of job I wanted. So I did my fair share of complaining and whining about the whole thing. I look back now, and while I see that a lot of that was done in jest, there are people who have a lot in life that is far worse than mine. And so I complained and whined with no justification. Then, a few other things happened along the way that put some other things into perspective for me. I was faced with a rather unsettling experience regarding the health of my grandmother and then subsequently lost two other family members in the same month. Then came the big news, the company I worked for was "acquired" and headquarters relocated to St. Louis, Missouri. I automatically ruled out following a job to St. Louis.
While this is a very random and possibly unrelated grouping of events, this was what helped me realize that I am blessed and far more fortunate than some others. I am choosing to look on the bright side. However in the coming months, I know that I am going to hit that massive wall of panic when I realize that I have no employment, benefits or "safe" amount of savings to my name. Hold on and hope. Trust in God. Walk in faith. I keep repeating things like that in my head, hoping to everything that they will some day take effect and influence me to live a righteous and happy life.
It really doesn't matter what I do now I suppose. I know I have a multitude of possibilites, however, it's the problem of opening my eyes to what lies around me. I could muck stalls right now and I would find peace and contentment through it. I have confidence that something will come my way. Timing is everything.
So, yes, it is very odd how life (or maybe it's just all God) politely ruins plans. I have confidence that something better will come though. Something that I am meant to do. Irony I suppose can rein supreme now and again. Although I suppose if everything were the same all the time, plans went according to the plan, and everything was peachy it would all turn out to be the same. No, I'm not interested in that.
I graduated this past April from Cascade College with expectations that I would move into a steady job, make my student loan payments, go buy groceries every other week or so, save some cash for a plane ticket to Europe, and live a happy life with my roommates Anna and Amanda. It's crazy how life politely says, "No", and then causes you to re-evaluate.
At first, I didn't really get into the type of job I wanted. So I did my fair share of complaining and whining about the whole thing. I look back now, and while I see that a lot of that was done in jest, there are people who have a lot in life that is far worse than mine. And so I complained and whined with no justification. Then, a few other things happened along the way that put some other things into perspective for me. I was faced with a rather unsettling experience regarding the health of my grandmother and then subsequently lost two other family members in the same month. Then came the big news, the company I worked for was "acquired" and headquarters relocated to St. Louis, Missouri. I automatically ruled out following a job to St. Louis.
While this is a very random and possibly unrelated grouping of events, this was what helped me realize that I am blessed and far more fortunate than some others. I am choosing to look on the bright side. However in the coming months, I know that I am going to hit that massive wall of panic when I realize that I have no employment, benefits or "safe" amount of savings to my name. Hold on and hope. Trust in God. Walk in faith. I keep repeating things like that in my head, hoping to everything that they will some day take effect and influence me to live a righteous and happy life.
It really doesn't matter what I do now I suppose. I know I have a multitude of possibilites, however, it's the problem of opening my eyes to what lies around me. I could muck stalls right now and I would find peace and contentment through it. I have confidence that something will come my way. Timing is everything.
So, yes, it is very odd how life (or maybe it's just all God) politely ruins plans. I have confidence that something better will come though. Something that I am meant to do. Irony I suppose can rein supreme now and again. Although I suppose if everything were the same all the time, plans went according to the plan, and everything was peachy it would all turn out to be the same. No, I'm not interested in that.
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